In the pub:
-I`ve been drinking, drinking... and you`re not getting more beautiful.
Sir John came home from France. In front of the castle, he saw a sign of urine in the snow:
"Sir John is an idiot!"
He was so indignant, that he went into his office and called in Scotland Yard. A voice answered:
-Sir John, we will announce the results of the investigation in just twenty minutes!
Twenty minutes later the phone rang and the same voice reported:
-The results of the investigation, sir: The urine belongs to your driver and the handwriting is your wife`s.
A drunker came home around midnight. He opened the door very quietly, trying not to wake up his wife... but exactly at that moment the cuckoo clock cuckood once and the woman woke up...:
-You`re coming so late at night! You`re always in the pub and you never come home!
-Are you crazy or what?! It`s 10 o`clock now!
-How is it ten, when the clock cuckood only once. So it`s one o`clock!
-What do you want, stupid woman? How do you expect that the clock would cuckoo the zero?
Every summer my parents send me to my grandmother and my grandfather. ...And I hate cemetries so much.
Two snobs sitting in a cafe. The first looked outside and said:
-It started to rain!
The other one answered:
Two men on the street, were walking one towards the other. When they got closer, each of them looked at the other`s leg. The first man pointed his leg and said:
-Vietnam. More than 30 years ago....
The other one pointed his own leg and said:
-Dog`s shit... More than 30 miles away...
They asked the radio:
-What should an 80 years old lady do to get her boobs up as 18 years old girl?
-She should stand on her head.
The sergeant chides a soldier:
-Now you are laughing... and I am laughing... but one day it will be the opposite!
-I just came up with a joke...
-No, I won`t. You`ll be laughing at me...
Two students are talking between each other. The first said:
-I got A- both on the written and on the oral exam.
-I got A on the written... but I threw up on the oral. - said the other one.