Why is Santa always happy?
Because he knows where all the bad girls live.

A young hungry vampire was walking down the streat. He suddenly saw a young naked girl. Right to the girl was sittiing old vampire.
-Let`s drink her blood. - excited said the young vampire.
-No, I can`t. I'm too old, my teeth fell off... - sadly replied the old vampire.
-How do you live then?
-From month to month... somehow.

-Do you like my new dress?
-It`s wonderful. It`s sew so nicely, that it even hides your fat belly!

The turtle was robbed by two snails. The police asked her:
-Lady, could you please explain how did it happen?
-I don`t know, I don`t know... everything happened so fast...

A young sailor after several months sailing was dieing for sex. He asked the boatswain:
-Boats, can you help me out?
-I can! For 200$ the Chinese chef is available.
-But how?! 200 dollars and that`s for the Chinese?!
-Well, my boy ...100 dollars are for the captain, because he doesn`t like these things at all, 50$ for me, because I also don`t like these things neither and I`ll give 25$ to two strong guys to hold the Chinese, because he doesn`t like these things at all!

-Stop masturbating!
-Why... Doc, will I go blind?
-No, you`re disturbing the other patients in the waiting room.

A cow was making fun of one little kitty:
-Look at you! You are so small and you have mustache!
The kitty answered:
-Look at you! You are so big and you don`t wear a bra!

A man went to the Doctor:
-Doc, lately I`ve been farting nonstop, every minute. It doesn`t smell, you can not hear it, but it still bothers me...
The doctor prescribed him some pills.
After a week:
-Doc, I still keep on farting. I still can not hear it, but it smells really awful.
The Doctor:
-Ook, we fixed the olfactory, let`s see the ears...

-Do you know what happens when two centipedes hug?
-A zip!

You are worried about your man... call him at work - he`s not there. You start to wonder - where is he? Did he got lost? Is he lying drunk in a ditch?
Don`t be pesimist... He could be probably lying in a warm, cozy bed beset by the caresses of a beauty.

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